Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

sweet dreams💖

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Lmao

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

#oldknees

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.