Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.