Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut