Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.