Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.