Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.