Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My dream car is a taco truck.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Wasn’t this a cartoon.