before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.