before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Your honor these allegations are
