before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.