Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

john wicks are toilet candles

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.