Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
i think we should see other cousins
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?