Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
The first one, obviously
Gas station lines at 2 am:
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement