Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it