Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.