Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.