Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
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Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Stop sending me this shit.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.