Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

I’m just playing devils avocado here

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth