Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.