Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Simple

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.