Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
wtf is a larm clock?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
San Francisco has too many rules
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.