Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”