Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]