Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
awkward
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement