Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
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If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”
This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.
“it was so sudden”
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.