Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes

You Might Also Like


Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.


My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”


Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.


Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.


I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong


Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?


GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!


Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”


[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey