@Annoyinglyhappy

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes

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@realHamOnWry

Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.

@FunnyBison

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@HatfieldAnne

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

@upsidedowntrash

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

@Aikiwomannc

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey