Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
GF: You cant keep it.
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey