Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.