Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Cheer up.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

🤣😂🤣😂

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.