Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
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No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.