Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red