Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.