Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

The most precious boy

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Dead sexy!!

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation