Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.