Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
God has abandoned us.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
*uses Ouija board*
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