Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.