Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
let’s discuss
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name