Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

The First Farmer

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Joseph Smith, 1833

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

this has done me in for some reason

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.