Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

A decision was made here.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.