Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer