Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Twitter fine art

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys