Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
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Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Your honor these allegations are
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Harsh but fair
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats