Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Don’t tell me what to do
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Me too door. Me too.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books