Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
The government even made aliens boring
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…