Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁