Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m literally crying
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
At ease
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Breaking news:
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Jus’ sayin. 😐
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.