Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…