Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Generation gap…
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?