Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.