@sarcasticmommy4

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

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@skylerhanrath

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@FredTaming

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

@FrogAvalanche

[Jesus plays hide-n-seek]

Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let’s play again. Harder this time. Find me now.

[He ascends to Heaven]

@DaHess1

If bank website ads have taught me anything it’s that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment.

@WilliamRodgers

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

@RedIsDead

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

@daddydoubts

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.