Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Don’t talk down to me
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
some Old Testament wisdom
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.