Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.