@welone1

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

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@10InchesPlus

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

@sofarrsogud

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

@onion_an

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

@SteveEllum

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.

@Rollmaninoz

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

@impaulmccoy

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

@RobocopLust

A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.