You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Them: when imma see you
Me: By accident
A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon.