Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her: