Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Miscakes

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Okay this one takes it home

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.