Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED