Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.