Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.