I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
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me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“OMGJK” -atheists
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.