Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*limbos away from your hug*
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
A recipe for laughter
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
mood
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better