Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when mom throws a party…

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now