Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.