Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
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Me My dog
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
The best shot in the history of golf
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
