Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*