Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.