Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Aaaa…CHOO!

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

Yup

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Think I pulled my liver

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Accurate

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.