Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted