Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
These dogs look like they have good credit.