Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.