Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

This guy’s not having it 😆

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

rip to my favourite tweet

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense

FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?