Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
live long and prosper!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Taco Bell, Exit 22
