Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5