Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”