Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!