Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Just so funny

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?