Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”