Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
What a website
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
when unicorns get really drunk
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?