Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works